marry me, fly for free.

i've got the coolest job ever. it's true.... but even the coolest job ever has some downfalls. i ask myself every day... what is WRONG with people? this past month i have flown the same route every week. and as far as passengers are concerned... denver people are strange. i dont have any other word but strange to describe them as. you never really know what you are going to get on a flight. and they arent like weird like "austin,tx weird".... they are just peculiar people in general. long island passengers are old and like coffee. and LA passengers.... they are horrible horrible people that dont deserve to live. i mean..... fly. dont deserve to fly. i could write books about these people. i hate west coast flights. ...i think that i'm comfortable enough now that i wouldnt freak out if someone i knew ended up on one of my flights. so what i'm going to need you all to do is start booking flights on my trips. ;-) .....how much fun would that be? and you know what i'm always shocked at... the amount of people who eat peanuts on a flight. it's almost as if they feel as if it's what they should be doing. kinda like going to starbucks if you're in NY. i've never seen so many peanut eating people in my life.

ok, if you are going to fly:

• ask for the whole can of coke. this will ensure your drink is not small, watered down, or flat.
• SPEAK UP. we cant hear on the plane. and if you are whispering we are going to bring you a gingerale just to spite you. and gingerale is gross.
• dont use the pillows on the plane. sick.
• ask nicely. i would do anything for someone on that plane if they would just ask nicely.
• if your eyes are closed..... we assume you are asleep, and the last thing we want to do is wake a sleeping passenger. those are my favorite kind. therefore... dont you cop no 'tude with me if you didnt get a coke or a snack pack. caaaaalm down... you're gonna upset ya wound!!
• oh wait.... let me guess.... you're gonna "write a letter".
• do not use the flight attendant call button just to have us pick up one little piece of trash. did you not see me walking up and down the aisle 12 times with a large white trash bag?
• if the captain has made the flight attendants sit down for turbulence. then.. SIT DOWN. bad bad things happen during turbulence.
• do not ask for half de-caf/ half regular coffee. i will spit in your drink.
• tomato juice has got to be made from this sickest ingredients on earth. it is the most disgusting thing ever. i was flying on a trip with this lady the other day and on our third day she finally commented... 'did you know that every time you have had to take a tomato juice out.... you have called it 'that nasty ole tomato juice'.' i guess i hadnt... but i'm pretty sure it is the official juice of satan. and it stains my required white tennis shoes.
• be cool. passengers can make or break a ride. i had some passengers that insisted that i play holdem with them for at least one round. they were great and made the trip go by so much quicker. we like to talk to people. we like to flirt. we like to play with little kids. we like to play jokes. we like to have a good time.
• every LOVES a singing flight attendant. i sang on my first flight the other day. it was fun, but the response was even better.
• and on that note... you wont always get a fun crew. sometimes you will get a cut and dry crew that wont be fun, or tell jokes, or sing. and sometimes you'll get a crew that sings TOO much, and tells TOO many jokes.
• we never know what day it is, and we dont know where we've been, and we probably cant tell you where we are at the moment.... but we can tell you exactly how long it is before we get home.
• in the middle of a flight, do not ask a me ...."where are we right now?".... well i dont know...why dont you look outside and read the road signs! i mean.... seriously?
• when we're coming around to take drink orders... do not ask "what do you have?" ....we made the announcements about 15 times to look at the beverage menu page in spirit magazine. what do you want to drink and i'll tell you what we have. i might spit in your well deserved gingerale if you ask me this.
• oh, and we know you dont listen to the announcements. it only bothers us sometimes..... like when you ask "what do you have?"
• do not. i repeat... do NOT leave ANY trash in an airplane. do you hear me? do not let me catch you doing this. we come by so so many times to pick up your trash. ugh.
• the only thing that we really like you to leave behind is magazines. especially the good ones like InSyle, or Domino, or any hair mag! i'm pretty sure that i know more about ashlee simpson right now than i do about some of my friends!
• oh and finally... if you are going to fly.....fly southwest... cause no one loves you, or your money more than us at southwest!