Monday, May 22, 2006

love is a battlefield.

so.... i cut my hair. and i dont mean, like, i took a few inches off. no. i took like FEET off my hair. my hair is the shorest it has ever been in my whole life. you see, i've always wanted to cut my hair really really short. and i'm not even upset that i cut all my hair off, i'm just upset at how it looks now that i have done this. it's one of those things that is fun for a few days, maybe, and then you want your long hair back. i've decided that it is better if i warn people about this rather than just "surprise" them. i would like to say that its short in the way that sienna miller and mandy moore had short hair, but in reality, i think i would rather have to say its short like pat benatar short. and that is unfortunate.

the day that it happened, i went and got it cut then came home and had a low grade stroke. vince and amanda had gone to work out, but they were the only ones that i could get ahold of in this crisis situation. (trust me, if you had seen it, you would consider it a crisis too) so i called them and told them i was coming to them. so i reluctantly slip in, and here comes amanda and she gives me the exact look that i was expecting. it was the, "OH. MY. GOSH. what-have-you-done-but-i'm-trying-to-look-like-i'm-not-shocked look". so she tries to tell me "it's not that bad" but of course she's lying. so i start yelling "not that bad? NOT THAT BAD?? amanda... i look like a DYKE! i look like a DYKE!" at which point she hurriedly shuffles me outside so i'm not in the middle of 24 hour fitness shouting this. all she can do at this point is laugh, and all i can do yell. vince finally comes outside and they discuss whether or not i look younger or older in my rocker haircut, which really is of no importance right now. i just cut off all my hair, do we understand the level of importance here? well... they were of no help, so i called amol, because i thought he would be able to comfort me in some way. and when i told him that i cut off all my hair he goes "WHAT?? you did WHAT?" ok so he didnt understand. boys... if you are ever around a girl that has just gotten what she believes is the worst hair cut of her life...... that is not exactly the time to tell her how hot she was with longer hair. and you shouldnt tell the girl who takes everything personally, "dont take it personally". i'm just sayin..... (however, he did make it up to me, and for that i appreciate him)

well after i called and told my parents, they had me on suicide watch for about a week. and i've heard "its not that bad".... and ..."hair grows", more times than i can count. i was telling amanda that it seemed that everywhere i went after i cut off my hair, people would look at me, it was as if they KNEW i had just cut off my hair and they were all ridiculing me. they were all looking at me like "what have you done?". and amanda didnt believe me, until we were on the elevator with some random woman, and she saw it. she saw the look.

well i've now had the new 'do for about a week and a half. and there are times where i look at it and really like it. but most of the time i still want to put a paper bag over my head before i walk out the door. i'm trying to gain the courage to post a picture of it on facebook. i cant do it. not yet. i need to get a little more used to it. the worst part of it all is that i dont feel like myself when i look in the mirror. i think that feeling is worse than the actual haircut.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

ancient history

this day in history. do you remember what happened one year ago?

it's amazing how things can change in a year.

...ok i'm done with the references now.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

based on a true story.

are you gonna say anything? i'm not going to break. I"m starting to get a little freaked out, but i'm not going to break. it's not that i dont care, because i do care, what you think about me, i do..... care. i just cant tell you what you want to hear. which seems to be a theme in my life right now. just because you cant say something doesn't mean you dont want to. You can want to very much. And you can be with a person, and be happy with them, and not love them. And you can love someone and not want to be with them. you dont need to love someone to want them. oh thats frustrating. you know, when your brain tells you what you want and what you acutally want dont match up, it's exhausting. and... oh it's complicated. but that's life. and life....... sucks.

Monday, May 15, 2006


this makes me laugh everytime.

hero of the day: my rewind button on tivo.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

May 14.

it's been a year.

it's been an entire year since i graduated. i view graduation as such an ugly word now. this day, one year ago, was hands down the saddest day of my life. i've never felt loss like that before. loss of friends, loss of childhood, loss of Baylor. just thinking about it makes me sad. all day long everyone was congratulating me and giving me presents but all i wanted to do was stay. i felt like my whole world was ripped from underneath me. my parents had to literally pull me away from my apt. i was recounting graduation day with someone the other day. the book, forgetting my collar and having to go back and get it, the scarf jaclyn gave me, packing up, the saddest goodbye ever in recorded history, the ride home.

i live in a constant state of "i miss you" now. i have probably uttered that phrase more in the past year than i have in my entire life. sometimes that is all i have to say to people. i used to know where all my friends were at any given time of the day, now i dont even know where some of them are or what they are doing. the people that i was so used to seeing on a daily basis, i havent seen some of them since graduation.

however. if you had told me on this day one year ago all the things that i would do in the coming year, i would have laughed and probably freaked out.

i miss you baylor. and everything you represented.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

life. May 10th.

things about today:

*we had a fire drill at work today. i have been practicing for fire drills my whole life. and i'd say i've gotten pretty good at it. i've always gotten out before alleged fire has engulfed the building. and now... i'm ready for the real thing. i thought i was ready in college... but i obviously was not, since i ran out of the building in the middle of the night with half my clothes on, a towel wrap, and my turbie twist in my hair (and no, sadly enough, i had not just gotten out of the shower). but after today's drill.... i am ready. bring it on.

*i'm sure my husband will be fabulous. in fact, i'm counting on it, but a small part of me wishes that i had found the love of my life at baylor. i want to take super cute engagement pictures on campus, i want someone to understand SING and what a big deal it is, i want someone not to tease me about how terrible our football team is and understand that we are good at other things. i want him to understand what a wonderful wonderful place that it is.

*why is it that two days before you get a much needed haircut... all the sudden every hair on your head falls into place? can anyone answer me this?

*i just found the most AMAZING music website. seriously, amazing. i'm not going to share it....because...well... i'm musically selfish... but its awesome.

*so it's NBA playoff time. i love playoffs. i love when the mavs and the suns are BOTH in the playoffs. but here's the dilemma i would have if i played pro basketball. i'm extremely loyal. and i would have a very hard time switching teams. I dont like the spurs, but because van excel and finley are now a playing for them, i like them a little bit better. and if you are van excel and you are getting completely spanked by your former team, do you start missing the green and blue jersey you used to wear? i think of it like this..... i was a pi phi, and if all the sudden i got traded to be a theata (i'd just quit playing if i was drafted to some "teams", sorry rar, i'd get the manager to draft you to my team anyways) and all the sudden i wear different letters across my chest, and i wear different colors, i dont think i would like that very much. i like the thetas just fine, and i think i could get along with them, but they play different from my former team, and what about all my old friends on the pi phi team? that's just got to be so weird for a player. i know its just a game, but that game is their life. i couldnt do it.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Dear "my future husband",

Share my life, take me for what I am
Cause I'll never change all my colors for you
Take my love, I'll never ask for too much
Just all that you are and everything that you do

i'll love you forever,

p.s. it turns me on when you wear your seat belt. ....whereever you are, i hope you are wearing your seatbelt.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

who died and made you nadia?

Do you know the joy of swimming in a foam pit?
Do you know why you kick one leg up on the tramp?
Do you how tough skin smells?
Do you know what it feels like to unintentionally straddle the beam during a trick?
Do you know who nadia, mary lou, kim, and dominique are and worship them like gods?
Do you know what it means to get to train at Bela's gym?
Do you know how ridiculous everyone looks in team leotards and team pictures?
Do you know that being presented is way more stressful than the actual competition?
Do you know that for the rest of your life, your hands will callus up everytime you grip or hold on to something too tightly?
Do you know the look of disappointment and heard the 'you have so much potential' speech from Martin and Sasha?
Do you know the pain of team handstand pushups?
Do you know what it like to be fearless?

until recently i had forgotten. ever think about how different your life would have been by only making one little decision? where would i be now if i had continued and gone to gym 7days a week? where would i have gone to school? who would my friends be? My God, what would my body look like?

.... ah. shoot.