so i was in new york last week, because, well, basically my job is better than yours and southwest decided to drop me in new york for almost an entire day, so i went into the city to do some shopping. as i'm shopping, and inhaling too many street vendor hot dogs and diet cokes, i decided that i had to pee. and then, like a becon, calling me hither, i see this
in the middle of times square, the biggest (and strangest) marketing ploys i've ever seen. if the need to pee did not entice me, the sheer curiosity of the whole adventure called me forth. so as i walk up to this, alleged bathroom, there are all these lights and "charmin" people standing outside, and as i walk in, there is a nice man welcoming me through the doors. i've never seen someone so pleasant and excited about the possibility of liquids escaping my body. he directed me up the escalator, that from the bottom, i could not see the top. at this point, i became skeptical, i turned to the nice gentleman and said....there are bathrooms up there....right? he said yes. but then i had another thought....i turned again and said...they are free, right? he laughed, in his nice bathroom attendant way, and again directed me up the escalator. i ascend the escalator, but there is no way, in written or spoken word, that someone could have prepared me for what lay ahead of me at the top of the escalator. there are MORE happy bathroom people. and its like this winter wonderland tissue paper extravaganza. so i stand in the line, completely stunned. it was like entering a different universe. of course there was a line. it was a bathroom. so, in front of me there is a big wall of doors. all of them possibly bathrooms. there are people everywhere shuttling people to and from the line to the bathroom. and it wasnt confirmed yet, but i was pretty sure someone had a microphone. we'll call him the bathroom dj. (i didnt have a problem with this). so i cautiously look around and among other novelties, like a dance floor, and a playground, and plasma tv screens blasting seasame street-esq charmin spots, there was a station that resembles the picture booth you go to when you get off a ride at six flags. i thought, oh no, they're going to take pictures of you while you're in the bathroom. i just know it. how violating. all the time my eyes are getting bigger and bigger. it was the strangest place i'd ever been to. i just had to pee. i didnt need a show. i needed a toilet. or a cup. it's whatever.
i get closer and closer to the front of the line. my heart starts to beat a little faster. the need to pee was growing stronger and i wasnt sure if something was going to jump out and get me or what exactly happened once you get to the front of the line. well i must have looked pretty bewildered, another nice bathroom attendant grabbed my hand and directed me in the direction of one of the doors. finally!! i couldnt wait to get out of that bizarre place. and the worst part about it was that no one was there to experience it with me. that is not a place you need to attempt by yourself. i met up with some friends later, and i wouldnt even tell them my tales of the bathroom. i told them they had to experience it on their own. so finally, it's my turn in one of the many stalls (however, i'm not gonna lie, i was a little disappointed that i didnt get the disco ball room. the guy with the microphone kept talking about it.) so there i am. peeing. minding my own business. and then....it happened. the ground began to shake. there were very loud noises going on right outside my door. and i thought 'oh my gosh, they have sensors that tell you if someone has been in the bathroom too long and i've exceeded the alloted time.' or worse 'jesus. jesus is coming back. jesus is coming back and i'm in a strange charmin alteruniverse' no......this just cannot be happening. so i quickly finished up and got the hell up on out of there. once i busted open my door to escape this place, i realized what was really going on....apparently the charmin "stomp team" came out to the middle of the floor, and they were....stomping. then. they were yelling. "party in the bathroom. party in the bathroom. party in the bathroom" and THEN they tried to get crowd involvement, and since i was the closest one to them, after busting out of my stall i was basically in the middle of them. they tried to get me to join them. tried. i have strict rules about this. dancing, after bathrooming? there has got to be some 30 minutes minimum swimming rule applied here. well, at any rate, after imaginatively talking myself into thinking that the stomp team was the return of the Messiah, dancing was not in the cards for me....i just wanted to leave. and i still had not figured out if i needed to stop by the booth with the pictures to make sure they had not snapped one of me on the john, but hey, maybe it was a good shot, could have been my new facebook profile pic....wait...what am i saying...get out morgan. get out at all costs. so i get out of the "party in the bathroom" crowd, and i make my way out.... well...what i thought was out. but no. i had run right into the duracell power station. at this point i let out a very grinch like "arrgh" and turned right around and asked the nearest charmin bear mascot...yes, the bears from the commercials, how to get out of here. HE tried dancing with me too. i was in no mood. so a nice bathroom attendant directed me to the down escalator, because clearly the charmin mascots cannot talk. clearly. i get down the long escalator. i walk. i do not ride. i get out of the building and back into the hustle of the people in times square, back to the dirt, the grime, the honking and the pushing....and i know i am safe.