Saturday, February 24, 2007

morgan is not cool.

so i'm at the mall the other day. you know, shopping. i venture into urban outfitters. urban outfitters. the epitome of cool. right? so after mindlessly walking around the store for about 10 minutes, i begin to sense how not-so-acutely awkward i feel. i just keep walking around looking for something that i would wear in public, instead of thinking, 'yeah my grandma has that in baby blue.' i walk over to a stand of shirts, and pick one up, and then proceed to turn it around, and around, trying to figure out which way is up and which side is the front. until i just kind of inconspicuously look around and place it back on the table as if i never touched it. it's like the people in there knew that i wasnt really supposed to be there. (i swear the seasame street game "one of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesnt belong" song was running over the speaker system) i dont wear flats. i dont own a huge brightly colored belt. i dont get the whole "layering" thing. i'll never wear tights. i dont enjoy dressing like the bag lady. and my head is too big for most hats. but... secretly.... what i really want to do.... is cut my hair a little shorter and a little more spiky, dye it platinum blonde, with some really cool colored highlights, pierce my eyebrow, and tell everyone, 'yeah, i got it at urban'.

i'm so not cool.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

my funny valentine.

well. since, i would say, valentines sucks for the majority of people. (i blame expectation. this alleged "holiday" is up there with new years, as far as expectations of a day go. but i digress....) since some people hate this day... i decided to lay down my pride in exchange for a funny story. it's an at-least-THIS-didnt-happen-to-you story. it's up there with my top two embarrassing moments of all time. (the other story involves an empty house, a grandmother, and a parrot) you might want to grab some chocolate. this turned out to be a rather lengthy story.

anyways... so let's take it back to high school. senior year. i used to hate valentines day. (i will probably still claim at some point in time that i hate it, but i really dont.) in fact, i used to hate it so much that i wore all black to lament the day. (well that, and i'll use any excuse to dress in all black.) so. we're in class. on valentines day. i'm in all black and talking about how much i didnt like the day and what a hoax it was. yada. yada. yada. so the bell rings and we all leave and i walk out and see that there is this guy... and i'm not sure, but i think he was waiting on me. (which then has me freaked out.) so he starts in on the small talk. (p.s. guys... we know when you are beating around the bush, about to ask us out) and this is what that was. and then it happened. he said "so i made reservations at marios tonight, you want to go" and my internal dialogue is going... "did you not hear me ranting and raving about how much i hate valentines day? i'm wearing all black...was that not another good indication? THIS is the girl you want to take out on valentines day?" and usually... i can dodge the "hey, ya wanna go out with me" question. in fact, i would call myself a pro, but there was no dodging this came out of no where. so of course, i said "sure".

so i go home that afternoon. and try, at all costs, to downplay this, what i was hoping was a, non-date to my mom. and of course she gets the look. the eyes light up a little bit. her eyebrows raise. and she asks 'oh, so who is that?' (in that 'oh thank God my baby isnt a freak, SOMEONE likes her' tone. or was it 'oh thank God my baby isnt a lesbian?' which ever. i bet its the same look.) its the same look and question any 24 year old single girl still gets from her mother/grandmother/aunt/cousin/or anyone else associated with the single police whenever we mention someone who might sound like a boy. if you listen hard enough, you can hear them humming the wedding march. it's the look of deserate (and usually unfounded) hope. (yes mom, you still do it. you all do it.)

and in case you were wondering. i didnt wear all black on the date. (stick with me here, i promise there is a good part to this story) so we go on this "thing". and it's awkward. he's nice and funny as can be, so let me rephrase, i'm awkward. so we go to order. i order the cheapest thing on the menu. spaghetti. (becuase thats what we usually do boys. if we are out, the reason i order a salad isnt because i'm a rabbit, it's because it's the cheapest thing on the menu.) but of course, that whole line of reasoning has changed since this fateful night.... so. the date was not a complete bust. it was pleasant. ..... and then the food came. my mom always says that she can never take us out in public to eat. (me and cam dont have the best table manners at home) but we do know how to act in public. so i'm trying my best to eat this bowl of noodles the most proper way i can. (no matter how hungry you are, 1000 of something is too many) i've got the spoon AND fork out, and i'm using my spoon to twirl it around my fork. even miss manners would have been proud. (all the while i'm trying to be charming and trying to keep up with the conversation) this went along great.....until..... i was talking and telling some elaborate story (imagine that) and i keep twirling and twirling the noodles and then i realize that i might have too much on my fork.... but meh.. i said forget and went for it. things were going smoothly. and this is where it happens.... so i go to stick the whole fork full in my mouth, but i realize mid bite, that the forkfull was WAY too big to fit in my mouth. but it's ok, i'll just bite it in the middle, leaving some still on my fork. possibly not the most proper way to deal with the situation... but it was the best i could do at the time. so, here we go. i kept thinking.... bite in half, bring fork directly back down to the plate like nothing happened. this is how i envisioned it. this is not how it happened. This is how it happened..... i bite the fork full in half and as i go to put the rest back on my plate, the "rest" swings back at me and slaps me in the face. FWAP! (thats the tricky thing about noodles..... they're ATTATCHED) i freak! i quickly pulled my napkin up to my face, praying all the while that he just didnt see it. he did. he begins to laugh. (it wasnt even worth trying to cover that up). and although i did not find it as openly funny as he did, i can see the humor in it. so now i'm throughly embarassed. i'm sure the splotches are aplenty. but i'm not done yet..... i remove the napkin, and the boy starts laughing even more. and i'm going, ok jerk i know it was funny and all but now you've taken it too far. but through his chortles, he can barely get out "you still have some in your nose". napkin goes back up to my face to retrieve the left behind noodle. thus ensuring this story in morgan's embarassing moments hall of fame. all i wanted to do after that was go home. hoping to never see him again, but knowing i would see him in class the very next day. we spend most of the car ride home with me threating him if he ever told anyone this story. but the amazing part came when he wanted to hang out again. let's recap... i told you i hate valentines day. you ask me out anyways. you see me string spaghetti all over my face and you STILL want to see me again???? what?? i've been out before where the date went great! no spaghetti in nose, no embarassment.... and i never hear from him again. and yet, he wants to take me out again? dont you know you cant take me out in public?? oh Lord, my mother was right. i am a freak. AND i cant be taken out in public.

tonight. i promise. i'm not ordering the spaghetti.