Friday, August 25, 2006

this journal entry might require a large bag of popcorn.

all good things must come to an end. .... and well.... it happened. i had my first breakdown since i moved away from texas. and usually i dont use this outlet to vent about such depressing events in the life of morgan, but hey, i know there are some of you who still derive joy from my pain.... so have a field day.....

being an adult sucks. completely sucks. this is about the age you realize how amazing your parents are for seemingly keeping it all together while i foolishly 'danced through life'.... i realize now what a waste of breath advice is. there is no amount of prepping that anyone could have told me that would have prepared me for "baltimore" ....or my twenties. remember when we were in college and whenever you met someone new the conversation usually consisted of about three questions..... where you from? what is your major? and where do you live? ..... well when i go on a trip that is usually the conversation i have with the crew. the questions are only slightly altered...... where are you based? what did you do before this? .....and are you married?...... when i answer no to the last question, they always follow it up with 'how old are you'.... and when i tell them 23, they kinda give a courtesy laugh and say 'ohhhh you're young, you've got plenty of time" ...plenty of time for what?.....what is that supposed to mean? .....can someone tell me that? my mom would laugh at me, and say they were just trying to have a conversation. it's just what you say..... well i say no. i'm striking. is there some magical marriage timeline that i dont know about? i went to baylor.... i'm pretty sure they never told us about this alleged magical marriage timeline in my MRS.101 class. (and you thought they were just kidding about that mrs. degree thing huh?) little do they know.... all of my close friends (except for my "single wonder" partner in crime rachel. who is currently beating them off with a stick at lockheed martin. dont leave me now rach.) are either married, engaged, or about to be engaged. and for that i hate you. well.... most of you.... some of you i just sit back and go haha suckas. if i'm still 'young'.....should i be worried the day that someone asks me how old i am.... and then they dont follow it up with 'oh you're so young'??? it's like they feel pity. i'm single. not diseased. and not contagious. oh and the holiday season is upon us. which means more conversations where the 'single police' aka.... my family, all individually have to ask me....'so morgan... met anyone nice yet? seeing anyone? been on any dates lately?' .....haha suckas... i'm going to combat you this year with this response.... i'm a lesbian...... trick on you... we'll see if you ever ask me any questions about my love life ever again! ..... now.... all that being said...... i am really enjoying being single. (usually this is something that only lonely people say to make themselves feel better...... kinda like the same losers....who every couple of months try and convince everyone that they are happy now..... 'i'm happy i've really "found" myself.... i know i said i was happy then.... but now i'm REALLY wait.... NOW i'm happy. i know what i said a few months ago....but now i really really meant it. SHUT UP! ) i can do whatever i want. i can eat whenever i want. i spend my money on me. i can go see whatever movie i want to. i never have to consult anyone on anything. 'what do you want to do today morgan' .... 'i dont know morgan, what do you want to do'. i'm in the most serious relationship of my life right now...with my ipod. i love him.

i dont know where that just came from..... that wasnt part of the breakdown at all. ok.....slowly stepping away from the soapbox now..... back to the the breakdown. so i've had a couple of days off and i've been trying to get some things organized.... i.e., my bills, my benefits, car insurance, bank stuff, medical insurance. paying bills is just stressful. trying to make sure you get everything paid correctly and on time. and then you've got mom ringing in your ears about how important it is to pay bills on time. i get it. (not really.)..... then i'm trying to trick the government into making them think that i still live in texas..... and then on top of that.... cvs wouldnt give me my requip...also known as, the sweet sweet candy. by this time i had just had it. i went into cvs....lookin rough.... and frustration mounting..... and of course they were rude. typical baltimore. i'm not going to go into the details of the day. it was just a long, stressful day of disappointments. the final straw came when the cvs lady handed me the prescription..... i had had enough at this point. she asked me some idiotic question. i looked at her and yelled "FORGET IT!!" and stormed out of the store. yeah.... i lost it. it was a scene kinda out of 'father of the bride' where george banks goes to the grocery store and refuses to pay for the "superfluous buns" for the hot dogs. i marched out of that place in tears. the worst kind of tears.... frustration tears. not only are you frustrated....but you're crying.... then you're frustrated because you're crying ....which makes you even more you cry some more.... oh it's a vicious cycle. .....luckily my dad called. after i went on and on about things that were seemingly petty...he asked 'so morgan, what's really going on?' ..... i honestly didnt know...but what it finally came down to is that..... i just dont like this place. i dont like baltimore. (rachel you might want to quit reading at this point....because i'm about to completely bash you're dear old state of maryland. and i know it's really rude to bash someone's hometown, and i dont want you to experience just do yourself a favor and quit reading) .....baltimore....ghetto capital of the world. the whole state is the 'hood'. the people here dont scare me. (like my dad used to say....if anyone took you.... they'd bring you back) these people frustrate me. nothing in this place makes sense. not even the roads. in texas........ you drive down the highway.... you see something you want and you pull off to get it. if you go too far.... you exit and make a uturn. here..... you cant see what you are going to exit towards. and its NEVER what you want. and even if you exit to go towards one direction .... you'll end up going a completely different one. they dont do 'uturns' here. and they're all so RUDE! so so rude. there is NO need to be that rude. just saw a poll the other day.... baltimore is the third angriest city in the united states. THIRD. ANGRIEST. angry people everywhere..... i'm not an angry person. this doesnt sit well with me. i miss texas. i miss mexican food. i miss college. i miss white people. i miss dancing. i miss whataburger. and taco c. i miss accents. i miss 70mph speed limits. but most of all i just miss my friends and family. and i guess thats the hardest part. the people. i havent met anyone here who i have been like 'wow.... i'd like to hang out with you again. or... wow... i'd like to talk to you again. or... you're so interesting.... or well groomed. nope. people here suck. my friends are flight attendants. and we're never home at the same time. i miss people. i miss MY friends. i dont want new friends. i wont be here for long. i'm thinking a year or two.... and then i'm out. out of maryland. forever. (you read it anyways, didnt you rachel?)

if you have made it this far in the journal.... i would like to say thank you. you are the people that i'm missing so much right now. and you're probably thinking to how did she have all this free time to write such a lengthy entry about her depressing breakdown, and why am i still reading it? well my friends.....that is because if all of that wasnt enough for a wrecked week.... heres another little morsel for ya.... i'm tied to my chair. ok.... not literally "tied".....let me explain. so i'm laying on the couch in the living room... enjoying me some Rent..... when what to my wondering eyes should appear....but a rat. a real life rat. as in Splinter.... the rat. not stuart little. it ran across my kitchen floor. it was as if the whole world stopped. the movie, the music, my heart. just stopped. i didnt scream.... outloud. i just sat there staring at my kitchen door. at this time i jumped up, and called my landlord (eyes never leaving the kitchen) left a message for them.... and then i called my sure-fire. all-time. always-there. mitas-touch. freak-out buddy....ryan. ryan has been there when i was sick. when i needed the scores to an important game. when i thought someone was breaking into my house when i was alone in houston. and now.... when i saw a rat and didnt know what to do. of course....the thing i forget in these situations is that ryan is in TEXAS. there is nothing he can really do about it. but i know he'll let me whine and yell and completely freak out and somehow by the end of the conversation.... he makes it ok. never the less.... ryan's advice to me was that i kill it. .... oh yeahfreakinright. i aint going back in there near it.... is what i kept yelling. so this is what i ended up doing.... closing the door to the kitchen and stuffing all my towels under the door. and every once in a while banging on the door. as if to keep splinter from trying to escape. after doing this... i realized that i have locked the rat in my kitchen. with all my food. but more importantly....... all my diet coke. and i just went to the grocery store yesterday! however.... this is the single best diet plan i've ever been on. want to lose weight? put a rat in your kitchen. not only will you never think about entering your kitchen.... but you would actually rather the rat eat all your food than come face to face with it again. so after i did that. i jumped up on my chair. .... and i havent left yet. except to specualte with the sweet couple downstairs who are living in sin to question them about our "rat problem". they suggested "have a heart" rat traps. you know... the ones that catch the rodents...but dont kill them..... i suggest 'hell no'. i want it dead. and i want a diet coke. now.

and that's pretty much it. i'm leaving for a trip in a few hours. so at least i dont have to slumber party with the rat tonight. please dont worry about me. i miss all of you. and if anyone would like to come see me, there is nothing in this world that would make me happier. but truly, i'm ok. i just had a bad day. i still absolutely love my job. my job makes even the worst of days ok.

and now a list of disclaimers. here is a list of people that i might have offended in today's journal entry, but didnt mean to. well.. not entirely.... my family. rachel. the lesbian community. black people. couples living in sin. couples in general.


Anonymous said...

1. not offended.
2. thought about a second job?... you need to look into this writing thing. seriously.
3. please don't kill the little guy!
4. i'm not going to lie, i did go downstairs to get a DP when i saw the length of this entry.

Anonymous said...

MPP - First - not offended, just hope that i'm still family (but remember we just care about u and since we don't hear from u; we have to ask).
~"BEN" is no longer in your kitchen. He has already left, the same way he came in.
~BWI is just a connecting point - some cnx are just longer than others. Treat it as a place to visit vs. a place to live. See what visitors see - take day trips. Enjoy the surroundings! See the history of the area and how it relates to our countries history. You may never have the same chance again. I envy you that opportunity.
~ There is NO rush in the love dept. You ARE still young! You won't have the same freedoms you wrote about it when you are no longer single. So enjoy your ability to be "selfish". Don't look for it and it will find you - it's one of life's truest statements.
~ I love and miss you! Hang in there!