Sunday, December 21, 2008

party in the bathroom.

so i was in new york last week, because, well, basically my job is better than yours and southwest decided to drop me in new york for almost an entire day, so i went into the city to do some shopping. as i'm shopping, and inhaling too many street vendor hot dogs and diet cokes, i decided that i had to pee. and then, like a becon, calling me hither, i see this

in the middle of times square, the biggest (and strangest) marketing ploys i've ever seen. if the need to pee did not entice me, the sheer curiosity of the whole adventure called me forth. so as i walk up to this, alleged bathroom, there are all these lights and "charmin" people standing outside, and as i walk in, there is a nice man welcoming me through the doors. i've never seen someone so pleasant and excited about the possibility of liquids escaping my body. he directed me up the escalator, that from the bottom, i could not see the top. at this point, i became skeptical, i turned to the nice gentleman and said....there are bathrooms up there....right? he said yes. but then i had another thought....i turned again and said...they are free, right? he laughed, in his nice bathroom attendant way, and again directed me up the escalator. i ascend the escalator, but there is no way, in written or spoken word, that someone could have prepared me for what lay ahead of me at the top of the escalator. there are MORE happy bathroom people. and its like this winter wonderland tissue paper extravaganza. so i stand in the line, completely stunned. it was like entering a different universe. of course there was a line. it was a bathroom. so, in front of me there is a big wall of doors. all of them possibly bathrooms. there are people everywhere shuttling people to and from the line to the bathroom. and it wasnt confirmed yet, but i was pretty sure someone had a microphone. we'll call him the bathroom dj. (i didnt have a problem with this). so i cautiously look around and among other novelties, like a dance floor, and a playground, and plasma tv screens blasting seasame street-esq charmin spots, there was a station that resembles the picture booth you go to when you get off a ride at six flags. i thought, oh no, they're going to take pictures of you while you're in the bathroom. i just know it. how violating. all the time my eyes are getting bigger and bigger. it was the strangest place i'd ever been to. i just had to pee. i didnt need a show. i needed a toilet. or a cup. it's whatever.

i get closer and closer to the front of the line. my heart starts to beat a little faster. the need to pee was growing stronger and i wasnt sure if something was going to jump out and get me or what exactly happened once you get to the front of the line. well i must have looked pretty bewildered, another nice bathroom attendant grabbed my hand and directed me in the direction of one of the doors. finally!! i couldnt wait to get out of that bizarre place. and the worst part about it was that no one was there to experience it with me. that is not a place you need to attempt by yourself. i met up with some friends later, and i wouldnt even tell them my tales of the bathroom. i told them they had to experience it on their own. so finally, it's my turn in one of the many stalls (however, i'm not gonna lie, i was a little disappointed that i didnt get the disco ball room. the guy with the microphone kept talking about it.) so there i am. peeing. minding my own business. and happened. the ground began to shake. there were very loud noises going on right outside my door. and i thought 'oh my gosh, they have sensors that tell you if someone has been in the bathroom too long and i've exceeded the alloted time.' or worse 'jesus. jesus is coming back. jesus is coming back and i'm in a strange charmin alteruniverse' no......this just cannot be happening. so i quickly finished up and got the hell up on out of there. once i busted open my door to escape this place, i realized what was really going on....apparently the charmin "stomp team" came out to the middle of the floor, and they were....stomping. then. they were yelling. "party in the bathroom. party in the bathroom. party in the bathroom" and THEN they tried to get crowd involvement, and since i was the closest one to them, after busting out of my stall i was basically in the middle of them. they tried to get me to join them. tried. i have strict rules about this. dancing, after bathrooming? there has got to be some 30 minutes minimum swimming rule applied here. well, at any rate, after imaginatively talking myself into thinking that the stomp team was the return of the Messiah, dancing was not in the cards for me....i just wanted to leave. and i still had not figured out if i needed to stop by the booth with the pictures to make sure they had not snapped one of me on the john, but hey, maybe it was a good shot, could have been my new facebook profile pic....wait...what am i saying...get out morgan. get out at all costs. so i get out of the "party in the bathroom" crowd, and i make my way out.... well...what i thought was out. but no. i had run right into the duracell power station. at this point i let out a very grinch like "arrgh" and turned right around and asked the nearest charmin bear mascot...yes, the bears from the commercials, how to get out of here. HE tried dancing with me too. i was in no mood. so a nice bathroom attendant directed me to the down escalator, because clearly the charmin mascots cannot talk. clearly. i get down the long escalator. i walk. i do not ride. i get out of the building and back into the hustle of the people in times square, back to the dirt, the grime, the honking and the pushing....and i know i am safe.

Monday, March 17, 2008

morgan thinks she's black....again.

i have a story.

so emily, because shes such a big wig over there at the bank, she gets tickets to great things. things like the african american chamber of commerce of greater houston banquet. and shes even so great, that Chase gives her tickets for her friends to attend this blessed event as well. seeing as i am 75% african american (thank you juva), i was the obvious choice for her to take as her date. this sort of thing is right up my alley. it also happens to be up our friend Trevina's alley, shes 100% african american (thank you trevina's parents). well, lets just start with our attire for the evening. we all show up in black dresses. i'm wearing my slightly more scandalous black dress because emily told me to. it was a jedi mind trick. so we're all pretty dressy. we show up just as everyone is settling down and the speaker approaches the mic. A nice studly black man gives me his arm to walk us to our table. (at this point everyone is seated and the speaker has started speaking) and he just keeps walking up closer and closer to the front. and i kindly say to him, um wow, we keep walking to the front. and he says "yes, you've got table 13, its the very front table" ...i mean...couldnt they put the whitey's in the back or something. have we learned nothing from rosa parks? oh and did i mention that we are by far the youngest people there. so they are walking three young girls in little black fancy dresses to the front. suddenly, i felt like the entertainment for the night. well we sit down. and the fun continues. we all stood up for a prayer, from none other than reverend nunely. i'm not kidding. reverend nunely. i told you this was right up my alley. i mean i got family. so he blesses us. then just as the three of us begin to sit down, they ask us to remain standing as we all sing the negro national anthem. if you think i'm kidding. i'm not. so here we are. young whitey singing the negro national anthem. now at this point it started to feel like being a baptist at a catholic mass. i didnt know if i was allowed to say the words, i didnt know whether to stand up or sit down, and i definitely didnt know the tune. safe to say i did a lot of fidgeting and darting eyes. and if that just wasnt enough. there was a man walking around taking pictures. and this is the moment that he decides to snap one of me and emily. in the middle of the negro national anthem. i just knew my face would be flashed on newstands statewide the next day. "whitey leads african american counsel in the negro national anthem. hope and change."

we finally sit ourselves down for a delicious meal. and entertainment. entertainment was provided by the one and only cecil shaw. i dont know if you've heard of him,he's kind of a big deal. he sang the classics. what's going on, yesterday, and let's get it on. yes. let's get it on. it is at this point i wondered why i didnt not go to more african american events such as this. then it came time for the speeches. and they were all pretty calm.... except for the last one. he starts going off about how we gotta get involved. gotta get involved with the children, the education, the churches, and the meteor. um....the meteor? so i tune out of this little speech. except for the part where he was being all politically correct, until he started going off about the retards. yes....kept shouting from the makeshift pulpit about the retartds. or as everyone else over the age of 13 calls them, mentally challenged...but whatever. the more pressing issue was that of the meteors. i mean he was passionate about these meteors. i started to think... what meteors? why was i not informed of the meteors? should i be doing something to prevent the meteors? it was not until riding in the car that emily pointed out her concern for the meteors.....until she realized that he was talking about the MEDIA. media? are you kidding me? i can excuse 'how ya'll durin' as how ya'll doing.....but just how do you get media from meteor??? i guess i can throw away all those 'save the meteor' posters.

well at the end of the night we decide that it would be a good idea to take a picture with the entertainment...cecil shaw. i mean...who doesnt want their picture with a large black man in an electric blue suit singing lets get it on? and it was a good idea...until he began to accost us. 'so girls do you have a myspace?' uhhhh...... and he wouldnt let it go. he had to go out to his car to get us some "business" "cards"...which turned out to be his homemade cd 'cecil shaw sings the classics' and he continues with his stories about ray charles....'you girls seen the movie Ray?' cecil shaw i cant say that i have.... 'well in that movie he says that cecil shaw is his favorite singer'...yeah, whatever old man. ...well we went and looked it up and had a good laugh at the fact that ray does, in fact, say that cecil shaw is his favorite singer. so basically he's rock star now.

they have yet to ask us back to any other african american chamber of commerce events....i cant imagine why.